As many of us will attest too, it’s truly delightful when a direct message appears in your inbox requesting for your assistance. As some of my closest friends will attest too, I am a helpful soul who does my upmost to assist my fellow kinksters wherever possible. While innocently scrolling through my newly opened BlueSky account, I came across a delightful chap by the name of Oz. (I’m sure he won’t be put off with me naming him directly, although I shall be sure to redact this part in case Oz says otherwise). When I hear the name Oz my mind immediately jumps to one of two things. The first is the Wizard of Oz and the second is our wonderful commonwealth allies the Australian’s. Speaking of wizards, those of you who stand as Potter fan’s will have noticed that I’ve made references to a magical railway station in the title to this article. The unmoveable separation between the fantasy world and reality in the form of paperback books, bricks and mortar.
Having now become quite a seasoned traveller on trains, one of the many facets that you notice while at a train station is the familiar sight of the train guard. In the soot-blackened days of steam trains the guard was there primarily to make sure that the trains arrived and departed on time, as well as ensuring that passengers safely embarked and disembarked from said train in the platform. Although the days of steam trains on mainline railways is a memory of the distance past that our great grandparents may speak of from their living room armchairs, the modern-day railway guard still carries with them a multitude of items. By far the three most vital items are a whistle, as well as a pair of green and red coloured flags. Naturally I don’t need to explain to you all how different coloured flags or neck-worn station whistles work, but it does bring me neatly onto the subject matter of today’s discussion.
After the success of my first article of how submissives can best approach pro-dommes, I was asked if I had any more advice to give. “Absolutely” I replied, feeling it was best to highlight some of the most important elements on being in the BDSM, kink and fetish community. “Why don’t I share with you all the importance of seeing green and red flags when it comes to kinksters” I responded in a direct message on BlueSky. I find it incredible that despite the ever-present language barrier throughout the world between different nations, the one element we can cling onto with certainty is our ability to recognise colours. In the BDSM, kink and fetish community this is something commonly referred to as the traffic light system. Even for those of us who don’t drive, it’s universal around the world that when a green light is displayed, proceed as normal. If an amber light is displayed be prepared to stop; and if a red light is displayed, stop immediately.
If your kink is anything to do with traffic lights, you’d be a bit stuffed as by regularly shouting ‘red’ to halt the session the dominant wouldn’t be able to understand this. (In a situation involving traffic light kinks, I would reframe from using any words linked to motoring as safe words). You could just find yourself being run over in exasperation; run over, get it haha. Anyhow, enough of my traffic and driving related humorous quips. For all other elements of kink, BDSM or fetish related play however, the traffic light system works a treat. When it comes to clear and present danger signs however, amber is often a colour entirely neglected altogether. Because when it comes to spotting the positive and negative signs, we automatically associate this with ‘red’ and ‘green’. Which brings me back to the flag analogy and it’s links between the tenacious train station guard and the kink community.
As we all know, consent is the number one top subject throughout BDSM, kink and fetish. It’s the factor that binds us all together whether we identify as dommes, submissives or even switches. Even if we don’t think about it constantly, we’re always trying to identify friendly and hostile individuals. From a pro-dommes perspective, these factors present something of an interesting challenge for us. Where do we draw the line between what’s a green flag, (aka a good sign) or a red flag (aka a bad sign)? This stems back somewhat to the discussion I had in my previous article about how best to approach a pro-domme from a submissive’s perspective. As a pro-domme I see a lot of green and red flags throughout my work, as well as at kink events that I’ll sometimes attend throughout the year. As a pro-domme you’re always constantly prepared to expect the unexpected before anyone even makes contact with you.
Open mindedness is the name of the game as they say, so you’ll get those who generally respect you and you’re time for what it is. And then you’ll get those truly pathetic keyboard masturbater’s who just want a quick w””k at your expense. In this next section I speak mainly to the submissives, although as dommes you’ll probably benefit from this knowledge as well. When I’m approached by a submissive via digital communication, I must assume first and foremost think with an open mind. I have to that they’re a timewaster, but genuine and worthy of my time. In my own experience a true submissive is one which makes the initial communication with courtesy and respect. If a submissive approached me with something along the lines of “alright sexy”, then I’d politely tell them to go and have sex with themselves before then instructing said parasites to get the hell away from my direct messages.
Those kinds of red flag individuals are easy enough to spot in general, because in a vanilla setting that could almost be construed as sexual harassment. but what about the ones which take the opposite route? When I say the opposite route, I mean the ones who will message you properly but then deliberately string out the conversations leaving you with mountains of messages to read through. This is a sly and rather idiotic tactic usually reserved for those pathetic cocksuckers who get a sexual high from reading your messages while pleasuring themselves sexually in the process. Gentlemen, a word of friendly advice from a lovely lady; think through your head, not through you’re penis. Getting back to the part I said about ‘having a w””k at your expense’ I mean those such idiotic morons that are clearly not worth your time or energy. One such ‘so-called’ client I came into with once clearly couldn’t tell the difference between fantasy and reality.
This particular gentleman (and I use that term loosely), thought it would be a brilliant idea to message me stating that he was already my collared submissive and awaiting further orders from me. Naturally I’d never even met this person before, let alone decided to collar him as my own personal submissive. It was at this point that I decided to engage operation ghosting, and just simply ignored him. In situations like that ghosting someone is more than perfectly acceptable, as that person is being a hindrance rather than a help. In nine out of ten cases, most timewasters like this guy would get bored and move on; only this one didn’t. What followed afterwards was a complete avalanche of emails in which they were detailing out the dreams and plans that said submissive believed would happen under my guidance and command. “Wow what a surprise, yet another demented d**khead who thinks I was born yesterday” I sat there thinking to myself.
Even before I’d reached the end of the first email, my eyes felt like they could’ve been diagnosed with severe cancer because of all the pointless wording. Naturally this sort of communication is a huge ‘red’ flag to a dominatrix. Why? Because anyone who messages me claiming that they are my personal property in the first few emails isn’t a real kinkster. Sorry everyone, it must be said; being a personal submissive to a domme aka collaring is a serious commitment. That would be the equivalent of asking you to get a tattoo on yourself for a person you’ve never even spoken too, let alone met in real life. What sane and rational thinking person would tattoo the name of a stranger on their own body? (Bearing in mind that tattoos are permeant bodily fixtures which even the most powerful of detergents can’t remove without causing serious injury to yourself). It takes a considerable effort for me to be confident enough to fix a collar around a submissive’s neck.
To expect a professional dominatrix to collar a submissive within the first few email communications is tantamount to utter lunacy, no questions asked. Having heard exactly what the ‘so-called’ submissive had to say, I decided to play a little psychological game on them. “I’m so pleased to hear that slave, now go and transfer your entire life savings into a bank account which I will set up in my name”. As you can probably tell the response from said submissive was blunt and to the point, in which they stated quote “I won’t do that Mistress”. “Well why did you tell me that you had no limits then” I asked in my politest of voices, making an effect to emphasise that he clearly had limits despite clearly stating he had none? One of the biggest red flags I see as a pro-domme is when you get the bog-standard first-rate fantasist. The submissive who claims to have no limits and then becomes all offended when you give them a direct order that they’re clearly unhappy about.
Unremarkably enough following on from the end of my sentence about having no limits, I never heard from that submissive again. They just simply ghosted me, as if I was nothing more than a passing whisp of smoke on the wind. This is by far the biggest red flag of them all. If a submissive says that they have no limits, disengage immediately! Or at best, politely ask them to move on and reframe from contacting you again. For the submissives reading this, if a domme states that they will session with you when you’ve requested a no limits session to said domme its most certainly a scam. No domme whether they’re a professional dominant or a private player in their back room will accept a no limits play session. This is mainly for one of two reasons, firstly because not having a safe word is dangerous especially in more extreme levels of play. And secondly because such antics of ‘no limits play’ could leave said domme wide open to attack.
Not just from the relatives of said submissive, but also from the police and crown prosecution service. Even getting said submissive to sign a consent form stating that they won’t report you doesn’t protect the domme from prosecution. Even with the best lawyer in the world beside them at the trial, a domme will still be seen as criminally liable even if full consent was given by the submissive in writing before said session. Red flag number two, does said domme that you wish to see for a session have a website or social media channels? If they don’t then this a sign to walk away immediately. It’s no secret that not every domme out there wants to be plastered all over the internet for any number of legitimate reasons. This could be to do with their work, social lives or even just a simple taboo between their friends and family. So it’s understandable why some dommes will want to remain hidden to the wider world around them.
Although it’s important to remember that the more private a particular profile is, the more that you’ll want to investigate into them. It’s the same as profiles I see on places like FetLife and BlueSky, (I won’t mention places like X/Twitter etc as they are not friends to the kink community). If I look at a profile and see that there full of nothing but disgusting dick pics, this is a huge red flag for me. Yes, the person behind the profile could be genuine; but is their cock and balls really the most attractive part about them? It’s not like you can just go and stare at a pair of cock and balls whilst out shopping in say Tesco’s or your local high street, so why plaster them all over your social media pages? Profile biography’s (or Bios as there more commonly known), are another area to look at when spotting the red flags as well. A bio after all is describing yourself to the rest of the world, so you’d want to make it look as professional as possible.
When I witness sentences like “I hate writing these” or even one/two-word descriptions of themselves, I think that said profile can’t be bothered or they’ve got something to hide. Even those of us with severe anxiety can still find positive and helpful words to describe ourselves in social media bios for crying out loud. Anyone who does professional kink related domination as a profession will have at least a website to show for it, so that’s the first item to look out for when searching for pro-dommes. If they don’t even have a website to show you, then chances are you’re talking to a scam dominatrix. Social media profiles cost nothing to set up and run, which is why their a popular favourite among scam artists. Websites on the other hand cost money to set up and maintain, so it’s more than likely that a genuine professional is behind said website. If a domme contacts you out of the blue asking for money when you’ve not requested a session for them, that’s also a scam too.
I came across one particularly deluded dominatrix in the past who was wholeheartedly convinced that if she advertised on herself without a website using a facial application software to change her features, that clients would be banging on her door showering her with trainloads of cash. I was exceptionally quick to inform her (in rather undiplomatic language I’m sorry to say) that if she thought this would be true, she was ten times more deluded in her endeavours than the keyboard masturbaters were. Naturally we all like to show off our best side to the camera, so it’s understandable why certain images will have higher lighting levels or appear like the biproduct of a clever A.I generated fake. But to go as far as to alter your appearance just to get clients is I’m sorry to say false advertising. Your website is you’re billboard; it tells the world who you are as a person and what you’re offering the community.
If you start posting images which are not of yourself or stating facts which aren’t true in exchange for money, you’re strayed into the realms of false advertising or even fraud. So now it’s time for the next major red flag that I see as a pro-domme. Naturally when we see client it’s important to build up a good repour with you’re paying clients. Good business is repeat business as they say, but sometimes you always have to spot the warning signs before they arrive. So let’s say for example that you’ve had a client come to see you for a session, they have a great time and leave your dungeon with a smile on your face. It’s all happy days and everything is fine and dandy, right up until the email from said client drops into your email inbox. At first all seems fine; but then they start becoming a bit too personal with you, acting like you’re their best friend and have been a friend to them for years.
I think it’s goes without saying that just seeing a pro-domme once doesn’t automatically qualify you as their closest friends. More often than not, pro-dommes have to play a fine balancing act between their personal and professional lives. As a pro-domme I listen to a client throughout the entire time that they’re in communication with me both inside the dungeon studio and out. But I never allow clients to ask personal questions about myself unless it relates directly to my domination. So I can handle questions like “how long have you been a pro-domme for” or “do you go to kink events at all”? If a client then suddenly said to me “tell me about you’re family” or “what’s you’re phone number”, that’s an indication that their intentions towards you are a little bit more than just pro-domme and client. At this point it’s down to your discretion about how much you open up to your clients about, although personally it depends on how long you’ve known your client for.
If they’ve been someone you’ve seen for years and are a regular client, then I guess you’d be the best judge of character on their friendliness and intentions towards you. If they’re someone you’ve only seen once for a session or communicated only by email, I would reframe from handing over anything about your time outside of the dungeon. So I’ve spent some time now explaining red flags, now I feel that I should head towards the green flags or the positive aspects of kink. Even in my short years of being a kinkster I’ve seen the good, the bad and even the downright ugly. Not just in communications and appearances, but also in their day-to-day personalities as well. Alas one kinksters deepest desires is another’s absolute disgust, but that’s what I love about kink. If you’re not into a kink and you see said kink going on, you just merely walk away; it’s as simple as that folks.
No-one is going to think negatively of you for merely walking away from a kink scene if your personal views don’t align with your own. As long as you do it politely, (so not getting someone else to do it for you or simply ghosting that person outright) then you’ll be perfectly fine. Each of us has our own agendas when it comes to linking up with like-minded kinksters and fetish lovers, which is why I’m going to take a moment to recommend FetLife to everyone reading this. When I first came onto Fetlife in 2019, I honestly thought that it was a truly fabulous idea. “A pacific social media platform aimed at BDSM, kink and fetish enthusiasts, what a capital idea” I thought to myself as I filled out my profile. At this point I wasn’t a pro-domme, but I was still able to find that many pro-dommes had taken up lodgings within the confines of FetLife. It all makes sense right?
Why would you go seeking out kink related topics, images and discussions in vanilla internet pages? With sweeping government legislation making it near enough impossible for pro-dommes to advertise themselves on platforms like X, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram etc, taking up residence on FetLife seems like the most logical way forward in the 2020s. FetLife after all is a place whereby kinksters can thrive, safe in the knowledge that they won’t be judged or persecuted for their believes. In many ways I owe my early pro-domme career to FetLife, as it allowed me to seek out the many dommes and submissives which I’ve come across in my time as a kinkster. Outside of FetLife however, how would you see the green flags to kinksters which we all need? It’s a tough topic to breach, as each kinkster has their own way of operating within the community.
As bizarre as it may sound, the more sadistic a pro-domme is during a session the more welcoming they will be in real life. Some of the best pro-dommes I’ve come across over the years can perform so well in sessions that they would give even professional actors a run for their money. But then in an instant they can flick a switch in their brain from super sadistically evil to heartfelt warmly fairness. With that in mind, it’s worth mentioning about aftercare. Aftercare is probably by far the most important aspect of any session, however long or short a session may be. A very clear green flag that I would look for in a pro-domme is whether they offer aftercare or not. Aftercare is the kink version of psychology debriefing, in which the session would be discussed in detail. It’s a time for both the submissive and dominant to speak to each other as equals, in which each would give an honest opinion on each other.
To me listening to a submissive is always key to any session, regardless of whether I’ve finished a session with them or if they’ve only just stepped in through the dungeon doorway. Another green flag I’ve noticed in kinksters is how they conduct themselves while not in a session. We spend 99.9 percent of our time in the vanilla world than we do in the kink world, so if a kinkster is talking to me like a fellow human being then I will be paying them very close attention. An F.R.F (aka a first-rate fantasist) will be so far down the rabbit hole that they will truly believe that a pro-domme is actually a full time sadist. The truth is folks that if all pro-domme’s were the personas that they portray in sessions or online 24/7, it would be completely exhausting and an utter lie. To those of us who have a thing called common sense, a super green flag is one in which the pro-domme makes you feel welcome and calm.
Not every client is the same, so a green flag in a pro-domme would be one that can adapt to their surroundings and take the clients needs, safety and welfare into consideration above all else. In my pro-domme work I do come across a number of clients who have sensitive requirements. These could be (but not limited to) hypersensitive needs like an adverse reaction to loud noises, bright lights, unexpected tones of voice and so on. Before the whole meeting process, I always have to be open to spot the green flags in communications as well. I did canvas this matter in my previous article on how best to approach a pro-domme from a submissive point of view, so I’d urge you to read that article after you’ve finished this one. The bottom line is folks that if you show care and respect towards each other, you will get compassion and understanding in return. (Or as my grandmother used to say, “treat each other as you wish to be treated yourself”).
I’m sure I’m bound to find more green flags out there as time goes on; although if I have missed any other green flags in this blog piece, please feel free to enlighten me about it. I’m an open book and always hoovering up useful information all the time, so we’re never too old to learn anything. Thanks again for reading folks, as always, I can be seen for professional dungeon sessions at www.mistresssophieofhertfordshire.co.uk
Stay Kinky Everyone
Best Wishes
Mistress Sophie Of Hertfordshire
